Peaceful co-parenting at Christmas

Posted on 11th December 2023 by McAlister Family Law

Peaceful co-parenting at Christmas

As the festive season is rapidly approaching, most parents are busy planning the Christmas shop, visiting Santa and ensuring that the Christmas elves know what is on their children’s wish list. Here, Amanda McAlister, Managing Partner of McAlister Family Law, looks at the stresses of separated families over Christmas and offers her top tips for peaceful co-parenting.

For separated parents, deciding how the children are to spend their time over Christmas can be extremely stressful, especially when they do not agree. If arrangements are not finalised before the festive break, this can lead to tensions becoming even more fraught, the result being that no one actually then looks forward to Christmas, never mind enjoying it.

As expert child and family lawyers, we are starting to see a significant increase in client enquiries surrounding Christmas contact. Such enquiries vary from how a parent can prevent the other from seeing the children, to imposing a contact arrangement that is unfair to the other. As Christmas is the most magical time of the year, emotions are high, and people do tend to become entrenched in their positions.

I am a divorce parent with two children. I share care with my ex-husband and therefore have experience not only as a children lawyer but also as a parent who does not always see my children on Christmas day. I recently appeared on the BBC Morning Live programme to talk about my top tips for peaceful parenting over the festive period which are:

Children come first.

Remember that Christmas is about what is right for the children. Not what is right for you personally, Grandma or Christmas routines that have previously been in place. Children can adapt and should grow up having memories of special times with both parents. Not just one.

Santa can multitask.

With notification, Santa can multitask and deliver presents to multiple addresses.

Whilst the law does not set out precise rules on how contact should be divided, the view is that children should spend Christmas with both parents. This can be achieved by one parent having Christmas Eve until 2pm on Christmas day and the other having the rest of the time on Christmas day through to the 27^thof December. This arrangement would then be alternated the following year.

For those that don’t relish the thought of a child’s Christmas day being interrupted by going to the other parents halfway through the day, they can agree an arrangement which will involve the children spending Christmas Eve to Boxing day with one parent and then boxing day through to the 27^th or 28^th with the other. Again, this is alternated. This has always worked for my children as they then get to relax and enjoy presents for the whole day and are less grumpy on boxing day when they come to me or go to their dads.

Grow with the children.

Arrangements that were right for a child at 4 years of age may not be right for when they are 14. Trying to force arrangements on older children can create further upset and distress which should be avoided. If you have teenage children, talk to them about what would work for them. This way they feel that they are being listened to and will actually engage in the family celebrations.

Christmas giving

Whilst relations with your ex may still be raw or tense, it is important that this is not seen or felt by the children. If they know that one parent is not happy with the arrangements and makes that clear verbally or through actions, it will impact on the children’s ability to relax and have a good time. This can have consequences in terms of how a child in the long run will recollect their enjoyment of Christmas. Always try to buy a small gift for the children to take to the other parent’s house and encourage them to write a nice card to take with them. That way the children feel that they have the endorsement of the parent that they are not with that day to have a good time.

Co-parenting can be tough but if you always have what is right for the children at the forefront of your mind you will get it right. My son is now approaching 15years of age. He regularly reminds his father and I that we are an “embarrassment” and “sad”. The message that I am trying to get across, is that time flies and before you know it, they do not really want to spend time with either parent. The creation of special memories is what life is about and finding peace is the key to that.

If you or someone you know is affected by the issues raised in this blog post, we can provide you with expert legal advice. For more information, please get in touch with our specialist team at hello@mcalisterfamilylaw.co.uk

A loving home – best Christmas present ever

Posted on 6th December 2023 by McAlister Family Law

A loving home – best Christmas present ever

One year ago, John Lewis’ Christmas advert aimed to shine a light on the importance of foster carers, yet new figures from OFSTED have shown a loss of foster care families and an increase in children being placed far from home. Here, Nick Hodson looks at the situation and how The Department of Education plans to turn it around.

Let me take you back 12 months to the 2022 John Lewis Christmas advert. In it, a middle-aged man is on a mission to learn how to skateboard. He spends weeks trying to master this difficult skill and suffers some bumps and bruises along the way. It is revealed at the end of the advert what his hard work was all about. Along with his partner, he was expecting the arrival of a foster child, Ellie, who loves to skateboard. Ellie was nervous at first about the new house but softens when she spots the carer’s skateboard and poorly arm. His hard work was designed to make Ellie feel comfortable in her new home.

This week, new figures from OFSTED, have shown that there has been a net loss of 1,000 foster care families in the past year and a record number of children being placed far from home. Social workers have described scrambling to find friends and family to take children in urgent need of safety and reported that children are sometimes placed in hotels.

It is estimated that 6,000 new foster families will be needed to meet rising demand.

“We need a lot more foster carers,” said John Pearce, the president of the Association of Directors of Children’s Services. “You used to be able to get a place quickly for younger children. But in significant parts of the country that’s not the case anymore, and that’s driven by a significant increase in the children coming into care.”

In some cases, councils lacking local foster vacancies are sending children hundreds of miles away, breaking family and school ties. There has been a 7% increase in the number of children in care since 2019 in England. But in the past year almost twice as many households quit mainstream fostering than joined. Reasons cited include the rising cost of looking after children and older foster parents choosing to quit after the pandemic.

The Department of Education is launching a £27m recruitment and retention programme, which began in September in the north-east, where demand has soared, and will spread to more than half of England’s local authorities from next April.

One of the joys of representing children is seeing the impact of a positive foster placement on the child’s wellbeing. It can provide them with the safety, stability, and love that they might been deprived of by their birth families. For older children, it can give them the best platform to enter adulthood.

Let us hope that the new campaign will bring the thousands of new families into the fostering system and that many more children like Ellie can live in safe and loving homes.

What is co-parenting and how does it work?

Posted on 27th November 2023 by McAlister Family Law

What is co-parenting and how does it work?

If you have recently separated from your partner and trying to navigate the arrangements for your child(ren) you might have heard the word “co-parenting” and wondered what it means. Here, Melissa Jones, Senior Associate at McAlister Family Law, looks at the term and how it applies it practice.

What is co-parenting?

Cafcass, the advisory service to the court, describe co-parenting as “‘Co-parent’ is a shortened version of ‘co-operative parent’, and co-operation is essential to making things work well for children”.

A few examples of co-parenting are:

Using positive language about the other parent.
Avoid using the term ‘my child’ and instead use ‘our child/children’
Sharing information about your child with the other parent
Avoid involving the children in adult issues that do not concern them or using the children as a ‘go-between’

It is always worth remembering that despite however much we plan for something, things might not work out in the way we want them. Expect a few bumps along the way, as you and the other parent get used to sharing the responsibility for the children.

Can co-parenting really work?

Co-parenting is something that needs time to embed but there is no reason why it cannot work for families.

Take former England Rugby player Ben Foden and his former partner, Una Healey from the Saturdays for example. They have two children aged 11 and 8 and Mr Foden lives in New York with his wife and their own child. Una has recently said the following about co-parenting: “I’m really happy for them that they have summers in New York and that they’re making lovely memories with their dad, stepmother and sister,” and “Our dynamic is probably different to many people’s, but there are lots of people who have families where the parents aren’t together any more. You just manage it as best you can.”

Parenting Apps

The court is especially keen on separated parents using co-parenting apps to assist with their communication and making decisions. In some cases, the use of these apps might help you avoid court all together and they you share calendars and send secure communication.

There are a number of co-parenting apps such as:

Our Family Wizard
2 houses
Talking Parents

Civil, clear and positive communication between is key for co- [parenting to work. Using an app will often give parents less to worry about and in some cases the apps and they can be inexpensive when considered the cost of going to court.

When might co-parenting not work?

There may however be cases where co-parenting cannot work and in particular where there have been findings made relating to domestic abuse or there is an injunction in place which means it would not be appropriate for parents to be in communication with one another. In these cases, other provisions will need to be considered by the parties in terms of a parent being updated about a child and the court might encourage the use of a third party, for example.

Child Maintenance and Domestic Abuse – New measures to assist survivors of domestic abuse

Posted on 2nd March 2023 by McAlister Family Law

Child Maintenance and Domestic Abuse – New measures to assist survivors of domestic abuse

New laws will soon be introduced to protect victims of domestic abuse from having to deal with the other parent, if they are the perpetrator of the abuse, in regard to child maintenance applications. Here, Melissa Jones, Senior Associate, looks at what this means for domestic abuse victims and how the Child Maintenance Service is going to support them.

It’s not physical violence, is it Domestic Abuse?

Domestic abuse is when someone close to you, often a partner or spouse causes you physical, sexual, financial or emotional hardship. It is a misconception that in order for you to be categorized as being in an abusive relationship, there must be physical violence. In many cases there is no physical violence; instead, there is psychological and emotional abuse.

Domestic violence can take many forms. Other than physical violence and threats of violence, you may feel intimidated by things that are said to you, or the manner in which you are treated. You may feel controlled and prevented from spending time with friends and family. Abuse can be verbal; you may feel belittled by your partner at home or in front of others.

In addition to the above, you might feel anxious about claiming child maintenance from the other parent, if they have been abusive towards you, because they might use a child maintenance application as a way to further contact you, harass your, intimidate you or as a way of exerting financial control.

What is Child Maintenance? Can I claim this?

All parents have a responsibility to provide financially for their child even if they live apart from the child and the other parent. Child maintenance can make a significant difference to a child’s wellbeing and the quality of family relationships. Child maintenance is the regular, reliable financial support parents provide for their child when they separate. It can help towards a child’s everyday living costs and give them the best start in life.

Child maintenance can be agreed voluntarily between parents. If an agreement cannot be reached, then an application can be made to the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) – a government body that assesses one parent’s financial means and can make a mandatory requirement that he or she pays child maintenance to the other.

The amount of child maintenance that will need to be paid will depend on a number of factors. For further information visit the Government website.

How will the Child Maintenance Service help me?

Under the new measures soon to be introduced, the CMS will:

Give you the choice, as a survivor of domestic abuse, to allow the CMS to collect Child Maintenance and make payments on your behalf. This would be without the consent of the abusive ex-partner.
Be given powers to report suspected cases of financial coercion to the Crown Protection Service.

Senior Associate, Melissa Jones comments “this is a very helpful and proactive step in tackling domestic abuse and practically assisting survivors of domestic abuse. Sadly, help for a victim is not only needed when they are still with perpetrator but long after too, and with Child Maintenance claims, protection might still be needed after the relationship has ended to prevent further emotional and financial control. The new measures are much needed, and will no doubt help a number of domestic abuse survivors in difficult times and adds an extra layer of protection as they move on with their lives.”

If you believe you are, or someone you know is suffering from domestic abuse, then there are ways to help you, and them. At McAlister Family Law we can help victims of domestic abuse by advising them on the most appropriate course of action in their particular situation,

If you are anxious about claiming child maintenance, want to learn more about your rights pet and want some advice, then contact our team of family experts who can advise you further.

If you need advice on this topic, or any other matters concerning divorce or family law, please get in touch with our team at McAlister Family Law.

Sources

https://www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed235424

I didn’t know I had a child – What are my legal rights?

Posted on 23rd February 2023 by McAlister Family Law

I didn’t know I had a child – What are my legal rights?

If you have only just found out that you and your ex-partner have a child together, which you did not know about, you might find yourself asking ‘what are my legal rights?’. Here, Weronika Husejko looks at parental responsibility, contact and what the court may consider.

Most parents have what is called ‘parental responsibility’. Parental responsibility is defined as all of the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authorities which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and the child’s property. This includes housing the child, maintaining them, and making decisions such as which school the child goes to, or whether they receive certain medical treatment.

Parental responsibility is automatically acquired by a mother by way of giving birth to the child.

The father on the other hand can acquire parental responsibility by one of four ways: –

Being married to the child’s mother
Being named on the child’s birth certificate
By the mother agreeing for the father to have parental responsibility
By applying to the Court for parental responsibility

If you did not know that you were the child’s father, the likelihood may be that you do not have parental responsibility of your child. If the mother or other parent with parental responsibility agrees for you to have parental responsibility, you can complete a Parental Responsibility Agreement. However, if the mother or other parent with parental responsibility do not agree, you can apply to the Court for parental responsibility. If granted by the Court, it will provide you with certain legal rights and responsibilities in relation to the child as mentioned above. Even if you do not have parental responsibility, you may be able to have contact with the child. If the other parent does not agree for you to spend time with the child, there are various options available to you. You have the right to apply to the Court for a Child Arrangements Order as a parent of the child regardless of whether you have parental responsibility.

A Child Arrangements Order regulates who and when the child is to live with, spend time with and have any other contact with. So, for example, you wish to apply to the Court for an Order that you spend time with the child on specific days.

When the Court considers this type of application, the child’s welfare will be their paramount consideration. They must have regard to the ‘welfare checklist’ which is set out by Section 1 of the Children Act 1989. This includes things such as the wishes and feelings of the child and their physical, emotional and educational needs.

You may not necessarily have to go to Court if contact with your child cannot be agreed with the mother. Mediation is a useful option in certain circumstances. There is a requirement to attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting (MIAM) before making a Court application in any event.

If an agreement is reached for contact either directly between yourselves or via a mediator, you can put together a parenting plan. This is not enforceable by the Court however it can be very useful for parents to use it as a basis for their child arrangements.

We can provide you with specific advice as to what your rights and options are as a father. Get in touch with our specialist children team.

If you need advice on this topic, or any other matters concerning divorce or family law, please get in touch with our team at McAlister Family Law.

Grimes, X Æ A-Xii and not identifying as ‘mum’ – do right and wrong parenting styles exist?

Posted on 16th February 202316th February 2023 by McAlister Family Law

Grimes, X Æ A-Xii and not identifying as ‘mum’ – Do right and wrong parenting styles exist?

The futuristic pop star, Grimes, and her equally eccentric, billionaire boyfriend, Elon Musk, are one of the most famous pairings in the world for many reasons. One of which, is their unique parenting style. Here, Nikki Bradley looks at how Grimes and Musk coparent their children and discusses why it’s okay to break the parenting ‘norms’.

She has been described as the visionary inventor of “space opera” and he as a genius supervillain. We don’t quite understand them or the nature of their relationship and despite reports they are no longer together, Grimes herself has described their relationship status in the past as “very fluid”. Our curiosity for the pair only grew when their first child together, X Æ A-Xii, was born in May 2020. The pair have since welcomed their second child, Exa Dark Sideræl Musk, born in January 2022.

A quick google of “Grimes and Elon Musk” shows the top results that follow are “baby name”, “baby”, “kids”. The otherworldly names of their children and the manner of their parenting is striking. Their children are being raised differently and the world wants to know more.

“Maybe he can sense my distaste for the word ‘mother’… I can’t identify with it”

Grimes has spoken openly about motherhood and parenting, including her decision to live apart from Elon Musk despite being romantically attached and raising two children together. Although their non-conventional parenting style does not come as surprising, one of the most shocking revelations came when Grimes revealed to Vogue that her son calls her by her real name, Claire.

She went on to explain that whilst she respects the title “mum”, it is not a term she identifies with, and she believes her son can sense her distaste for it.

“I love playing devil’s advocate, questioning my beliefs, making hard pivots”

By her own above admission, Grimes thrives off being an unconventional boundary pusher. However, when it comes to parenting and children, quirky attitudes and behaviours scare people. We may regard the age we live in as progressive, but society’s view of parenting remains incredibly conservative.

Grimes is right to challenge this.

The world thinks she and Elon Musk are weird because their style and approach to co-parenting does not fit society’s definition of “normal”.

There is no “normal” when it comes to parenting, nor is there a “perfect” way to raise your child. Children need love, protection and nurturing and a happy child will be raised in a household that keeps them safe and emotionally secure.

First time parents in particular often feel an overwhelming pressure to do things “right”. You are doing it “right” as long as you are meeting your child’s needs and acting in their best interests. The road you take to achieve that is up to you entirely.

Breaking the mould

Being a parent is not about trying to make the rest of the world happy or doing what other people tell you is correct. Being a parent is about doing right by your child and nobody else but you knows how best to do this. If you try and fit another person’s parenting mould it will feel uncomfortable, and your child will sense it. You do not want to end up a square peg in a round hole.

Do not be afraid to choose your own parenting path. Even if you are in a committed relationship with your co-parent, it may be that the “apartners” approach (committed romantically but living apart) as favoured by Grimes, is right for you and your children. It may not be a conventional but if you and your children are happy, nothing else matters.

If you need advice on this topic, or any other matters concerning divorce or family law, please get in touch with our team at McAlister Family Law.

How to cope with long-distance parenting

Posted on 2nd February 2023 by McAlister Family Law

How to cope with long-distance parenting

In an increasingly mobile world following the Covid-19 pandemic, where more of us than ever are moving out of cities as we work from home or in a hybrid fashion, how does this impact parents who live a significant distance away from the other parent? Here, Michael Compston looks at how long-distance parenting can work though direct and indirect contact, and how the school holidays can be your friend.

During the Covid-19 pandemic, nearly half[1] of all adults were working from home at least some of the time, and 8 out of 10 adults indicate that they want to work from home in a hybrid manner moving forward.

This has led to an exodus of city dwellers as families look for more space and greener living, now that they are not as constrained by the 9-5 office job that they once were.

This will likely lead to an increase in children being relocated and, ultimately, more instances where there is a significant distance between both parents. Children can only attend one school, so how can parents agree arrangements that work for the child/ren?

The reality is that, whilst both parents will have involvement in the child’s life, the child will have one ‘home’ such that the child lives with one parent and spends time with another.

Perhaps even more so than under other circumstances, communication between the parents is vital. The parent with whom the child lives must ensure that the child’s relationship with the other parent is protected and given the chance to develop even with the distances between the parents. There are several ways that this can be done:

Direct contact

Whatever the distance, we will all travel for our children. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re the parent that lives a significant distance away from your child, any time you get with your child will be precious. It will not be suitable, for example, to return the child to school on Monday given the distances involved. Instead, think about maximising your time with the child; if you can work flexibly on a Friday to arrive at school for collection, that means nearly a full weekend can be enjoyed by all.

Whilst the child lives in only one home, it is important that they understand their other parent has a home of their own. Contact should be encouraged to take place at the address of the parent with whom the child does not live, where possible.

This might not be possible during term-time if the parties live a very long way from each other, such that the journey time is greater than 6 hours.

Indirect contact

Modern technology allows us to keep up to date like our parents could not have dreamed of 30 years ago. Instant communication is possible through FaceTime and WhatsApp video calls, which is crucial to maintaining relationships over long distances.

These calls should be private; if you are the parent with whom the child lives, it is important to respect the relationship between the child and the other parent and to not intrude unnecessarily unless you have concerns about the content of the calls.

Regular video calls can be a useful tool in maintaining relationships over long distances.

School Holidays

The school holidays afford a prime opportunity for the parent with whom the child does not live to have some real, quality time with that parent. The holidays can be shared equally or perhaps even in favour of the non-resident parent to account for the disparity in contact during term-time.

Religious festivals can also be shared. Schools close for two weeks at Christmas and Easter generally, and also have provisions in place for other religious festivals such as Eid and Yom Kippur.

If you need advice on this topic, or any other matters concerning divorce or family law, please get in touch with our team at McAlister Family Law.

[1] https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/ishybridworkingheretostay/2022-05-23

The legitimacy of Court-Appointed ‘Experts’ in parental alienation cases

Posted on 18th October 202224th January 2023 by McAlister Family Law

The legitimacy of Court-Appointed ‘Experts’ in parental alienation cases

Ruth Hetherington, Partner and Head of the Private Children Team at McAlister Family Law, and a Specialist in Children matters welcomes the announcement that the President of the Family Courts, Sir Andrew McFarlane will be overseeing an Appeal later this month in which issues of parental alienation and the use of experts will hopefully be reviewed.

What is parental alienation?

Parental alienation has been a hot topic for many years now. There is no legal definition of parental alienation, but the concept has evolved through cases that are heard in the Family Courts. Cafcass, the independent body appointed by the Court, defines parental alienation as ‘when a child’s resistance/hostility towards one parent is not justified and is the result of psychological manipulation by one parent’.

In my experience sadly, it is becoming a very common feature in cases where parents have separated and one parent, whether directly or indirectly, displays to a child or children unjustified negativity aimed at the other parent.

What are the repercussions of parental alienation?

In such cases the relationship between parent and child can be lost altogether and the courts have been struggling to deal with such cases as quite often the alienation can be subtle, difficult to identify and can take place over several months if not years.

I have acted for both parents and children in these types of situations and I have seen first-hand the harm that children suffer as a result, which can be long term and affect children in developing healthy relationships themselves.

From my point of view trying to establish that parental alienation exists is a difficult task and as such the Courts have allowed Experts (generally Psychologists) to be appointed to assist in evaluating negative behaviours.

The use of Experts in cases of suspected parental alienation.

In the case that is to be overseen by the President of the Family Courts, Sir Andrew McFarlane, later this month, the qualifications of the Expert who was appointed, will be under scrutiny. The Expert believed parental alienation had taken place, but there is concern from the Court that this Expert may not have been appropriately qualified and was not regulated by any professional body.

In my opinion the regulation of court appointed Experts is something that needs to be addressed urgently. Therefore, the announcement of this Appeal is very much welcomed, and I sincerely hope that the concept of “parental alienation” is also addressed. Although professionals who deal with matters such as these have their own working hypothesis, there needs to be clear guidance given to both professionals, parents and anyone who cares for children about how the Court will deal with cases where a parent/carer of children behaviour is not what it should be.

What needs to change?

Parental alienation can have detrimental effects on a child’s mental health and wellbeing, right into adulthood. It is my view that parents/carers need to have their children at the forefront of their minds in everything that they say and do, to protect them from what will be a sad and upsetting experience of their parents separating. It is sometimes hard for parents to hide their own feelings and as a result they lose sight of the fact that their children will pick up on their parent’s behaviours.

In my opinion children often get outlooked when ‘battle lines’ are drawn between the parents, and it is for these reasons that the Court will be assisted by an Expert. The Court’s paramount consideration is always the welfare of the children, and it is therefore understandable that the need for the Court to be guided by Experts is sometimes required.

Final thoughts

It is my hope that as awareness is raised around the detrimental impact parental alienation can have on the whole family, particularly on the children, we will get to a point where the use of Experts will be evaluated and scrutinised to ensure that the Expert is right for that particular family, appropriately qualified and only used where absolutely necessary.

It is crucial for any parent who has concerns over child arrangements, or feels they are victim to parental alienation, to instruct a lawyer who is highly specialised in children matters. This will ensure that that all matters can be addressed and will ensure that the child’s welfare is at the heart of any decision that a parent may take, which will ultimately inform the Court’s overall final decision for the arrangements of any child.