Peaceful co-parenting at Christmas

Posted on 11th December 2023 by McAlister Family Law

Peaceful co-parenting at Christmas

As the festive season is rapidly approaching, most parents are busy planning the Christmas shop, visiting Santa and ensuring that the Christmas elves know what is on their children’s wish list. Here, Amanda McAlister, Managing Partner of McAlister Family Law, looks at the stresses of separated families over Christmas and offers her top tips for peaceful co-parenting.

For separated parents, deciding how the children are to spend their time over Christmas can be extremely stressful, especially when they do not agree. If arrangements are not finalised before the festive break, this can lead to tensions becoming even more fraught, the result being that no one actually then looks forward to Christmas, never mind enjoying it.

As expert child and family lawyers, we are starting to see a significant increase in client enquiries surrounding Christmas contact. Such enquiries vary from how a parent can prevent the other from seeing the children, to imposing a contact arrangement that is unfair to the other. As Christmas is the most magical time of the year, emotions are high, and people do tend to become entrenched in their positions.

I am a divorce parent with two children. I share care with my ex-husband and therefore have experience not only as a children lawyer but also as a parent who does not always see my children on Christmas day. I recently appeared on the BBC Morning Live programme to talk about my top tips for peaceful parenting over the festive period which are:

Children come first.

Remember that Christmas is about what is right for the children. Not what is right for you personally, Grandma or Christmas routines that have previously been in place. Children can adapt and should grow up having memories of special times with both parents. Not just one.

Santa can multitask.

With notification, Santa can multitask and deliver presents to multiple addresses.

Whilst the law does not set out precise rules on how contact should be divided, the view is that children should spend Christmas with both parents. This can be achieved by one parent having Christmas Eve until 2pm on Christmas day and the other having the rest of the time on Christmas day through to the 27^thof December. This arrangement would then be alternated the following year.

For those that don’t relish the thought of a child’s Christmas day being interrupted by going to the other parents halfway through the day, they can agree an arrangement which will involve the children spending Christmas Eve to Boxing day with one parent and then boxing day through to the 27^th or 28^th with the other. Again, this is alternated. This has always worked for my children as they then get to relax and enjoy presents for the whole day and are less grumpy on boxing day when they come to me or go to their dads.

Grow with the children.

Arrangements that were right for a child at 4 years of age may not be right for when they are 14. Trying to force arrangements on older children can create further upset and distress which should be avoided. If you have teenage children, talk to them about what would work for them. This way they feel that they are being listened to and will actually engage in the family celebrations.

Christmas giving

Whilst relations with your ex may still be raw or tense, it is important that this is not seen or felt by the children. If they know that one parent is not happy with the arrangements and makes that clear verbally or through actions, it will impact on the children’s ability to relax and have a good time. This can have consequences in terms of how a child in the long run will recollect their enjoyment of Christmas. Always try to buy a small gift for the children to take to the other parent’s house and encourage them to write a nice card to take with them. That way the children feel that they have the endorsement of the parent that they are not with that day to have a good time.

Co-parenting can be tough but if you always have what is right for the children at the forefront of your mind you will get it right. My son is now approaching 15years of age. He regularly reminds his father and I that we are an “embarrassment” and “sad”. The message that I am trying to get across, is that time flies and before you know it, they do not really want to spend time with either parent. The creation of special memories is what life is about and finding peace is the key to that.

If you or someone you know is affected by the issues raised in this blog post, we can provide you with expert legal advice. For more information, please get in touch with our specialist team at hello@mcalisterfamilylaw.co.uk

A loving home – best Christmas present ever

Posted on 6th December 2023 by McAlister Family Law

A loving home – best Christmas present ever

One year ago, John Lewis’ Christmas advert aimed to shine a light on the importance of foster carers, yet new figures from OFSTED have shown a loss of foster care families and an increase in children being placed far from home. Here, Nick Hodson looks at the situation and how The Department of Education plans to turn it around.

Let me take you back 12 months to the 2022 John Lewis Christmas advert. In it, a middle-aged man is on a mission to learn how to skateboard. He spends weeks trying to master this difficult skill and suffers some bumps and bruises along the way. It is revealed at the end of the advert what his hard work was all about. Along with his partner, he was expecting the arrival of a foster child, Ellie, who loves to skateboard. Ellie was nervous at first about the new house but softens when she spots the carer’s skateboard and poorly arm. His hard work was designed to make Ellie feel comfortable in her new home.

This week, new figures from OFSTED, have shown that there has been a net loss of 1,000 foster care families in the past year and a record number of children being placed far from home. Social workers have described scrambling to find friends and family to take children in urgent need of safety and reported that children are sometimes placed in hotels.

It is estimated that 6,000 new foster families will be needed to meet rising demand.

“We need a lot more foster carers,” said John Pearce, the president of the Association of Directors of Children’s Services. “You used to be able to get a place quickly for younger children. But in significant parts of the country that’s not the case anymore, and that’s driven by a significant increase in the children coming into care.”

In some cases, councils lacking local foster vacancies are sending children hundreds of miles away, breaking family and school ties. There has been a 7% increase in the number of children in care since 2019 in England. But in the past year almost twice as many households quit mainstream fostering than joined. Reasons cited include the rising cost of looking after children and older foster parents choosing to quit after the pandemic.

The Department of Education is launching a £27m recruitment and retention programme, which began in September in the north-east, where demand has soared, and will spread to more than half of England’s local authorities from next April.

One of the joys of representing children is seeing the impact of a positive foster placement on the child’s wellbeing. It can provide them with the safety, stability, and love that they might been deprived of by their birth families. For older children, it can give them the best platform to enter adulthood.

Let us hope that the new campaign will bring the thousands of new families into the fostering system and that many more children like Ellie can live in safe and loving homes.

What is co-parenting and how does it work?

Posted on 27th November 2023 by McAlister Family Law

What is co-parenting and how does it work?

If you have recently separated from your partner and trying to navigate the arrangements for your child(ren) you might have heard the word “co-parenting” and wondered what it means. Here, Melissa Jones, Senior Associate at McAlister Family Law, looks at the term and how it applies it practice.

What is co-parenting?

Cafcass, the advisory service to the court, describe co-parenting as “‘Co-parent’ is a shortened version of ‘co-operative parent’, and co-operation is essential to making things work well for children”.

A few examples of co-parenting are:

Using positive language about the other parent.
Avoid using the term ‘my child’ and instead use ‘our child/children’
Sharing information about your child with the other parent
Avoid involving the children in adult issues that do not concern them or using the children as a ‘go-between’

It is always worth remembering that despite however much we plan for something, things might not work out in the way we want them. Expect a few bumps along the way, as you and the other parent get used to sharing the responsibility for the children.

Can co-parenting really work?

Co-parenting is something that needs time to embed but there is no reason why it cannot work for families.

Take former England Rugby player Ben Foden and his former partner, Una Healey from the Saturdays for example. They have two children aged 11 and 8 and Mr Foden lives in New York with his wife and their own child. Una has recently said the following about co-parenting: “I’m really happy for them that they have summers in New York and that they’re making lovely memories with their dad, stepmother and sister,” and “Our dynamic is probably different to many people’s, but there are lots of people who have families where the parents aren’t together any more. You just manage it as best you can.”

Parenting Apps

The court is especially keen on separated parents using co-parenting apps to assist with their communication and making decisions. In some cases, the use of these apps might help you avoid court all together and they you share calendars and send secure communication.

There are a number of co-parenting apps such as:

Our Family Wizard
2 houses
Talking Parents

Civil, clear and positive communication between is key for co- [parenting to work. Using an app will often give parents less to worry about and in some cases the apps and they can be inexpensive when considered the cost of going to court.

When might co-parenting not work?

There may however be cases where co-parenting cannot work and in particular where there have been findings made relating to domestic abuse or there is an injunction in place which means it would not be appropriate for parents to be in communication with one another. In these cases, other provisions will need to be considered by the parties in terms of a parent being updated about a child and the court might encourage the use of a third party, for example.