How to have a respectful divorce – read Amanda McAlister’s top tips

BBC Morning Live

How to have a respectful divorce

Following our managing partner Amanda McAlister’s guest appearance on BBC Morning Live, we thought you might find it useful to read her nine essential tips on how to have a respectful divorce.

I am very often asked if it is possible to have an amicable divorce, to which I always answer yes, it is, but only if both parties want it to be. In my experience, it’s only really when both people in the marriage or civil partnership have been separated for a considerable amount of time that they’re able to get their heads around what the split means for them and all those involved. You cannot escape the fact that divorce means huge change: wanted or unwanted, it’s still an enormous life event that even for the strongest of people, can create significant worry, insecurity and an enormous hit on a normally stable equilibrium.

What do you need to do to have a respectful divorce?

1. Get professional advice, fast

Understandably you will have lots of concerns, and for many those at the top of their list are will I lose the kids, and do I have to move out of my house? An experienced family lawyer will be able to help you with all your questions and take you through the divorce process step-by-step.   This will help to ease some of the fear and panic and will often feel empowering and prepared for what lies ahead.

2. Phone a neutral friend

Speaking of asking your friends, phone someone you know well, but who is neutral. Tempting though it is to speak to family members and your best mates, these people will, understandably but inevitably, take your side and by doing so they often fuel the problem. You need someone clear-eyed and with no axe to grind who will be honest. Only hearing what you want to hear is rarely the answer.

3. Team work is key

Choose your legal team carefully. It’s not going to help you in the long term if you engage the lawyer with the best record and a top reputation if you can’t connect with them. Do you feel your lawyer is empathetic? Will they be available whenever you need them? Do you feel reassured that they genuinely understand all your concerns? Once you’ve found that lawyer, get in touch with that neutral friend, then decide if you need to consult other professionals, such as a pension actuary or a forensic accountant.

4. Positive communication

Treat your divorce as though it’s a business dealing.  No matter how tempted you are to send a highly-charged, emotional WhatsApp or email, first ask yourself – would I send this to a work colleague? Would I call my boss all the names under the sun and accuse him or her of being a terrible person? Probably not, because all actions have consequences and if you provoke the other party in this way, ultimately, you’re not going to achieve what you want. A civilised, respectful divorce.

5. Do not use social media to try to hang onto your ex

We have all seen examples of people using social media to talk about their pain and hurt as they go through a split. A very recent example is that of celebrity couple Alice Evans and Ioan Gruffudd, where Evans announced on Twitter “My husband doesn’t love me” and went on to say he had left her and their children. No matter how much pain and hurt you are feeling, this is not the way forward and rather than bring your ex back to you it is more likely to inflame an already difficult situation and may even entrench your ex’s decision to leave the marriage. And if you have children, imagine how horrible they will feel as their friends tell them they’ve read all about your parents’ arguments on social media. And this leads me to say

6. Do not badmouth your ex to your children

I can’t stress this enough. It won’t achieve anything other than pain, and studies have shown that emotional conflict can be as destructive as physical conflict. Your children love you both, and you both love your children. Why hurt them? Because that’s all that will happen. I have dealt with some heart-breaking cases where children have been alienated from one parent because the other parent has used them as an attempt to punish their ex. It’s the children who suffer and it’s your duty to do the right thing by them. Sound off to your mate over a glass of wine. Tell your solicitor how badly your ex is behaving. Write it all down in a letter and then burn it. But don’t say anything to your children. One day, when they’ve grown up as well-rounded, well-adjusted adults, you, and they, will be grateful that you behaved well. It will be worth it, I promise you.

7. Develop a routine from the very outset

Know who is doing what, and when. Children need certainty and they will be miserable if they’re always the child who hasn’t got their PE kit for school the next morning or they’ve left their homework at their Dad’s last night because they thought they would be staying there the following day. If you can’t establish this routine with your ex, then look at mediation. A skilled mediator can put together a plan that works for both of you and takes the heat out of any potential conflict.

8. Grit your teeth and work to transform your relationship with your ex

Something has ended, yes, but something new is beginning. If you have young children together you have many years of dealing with your ex ahead of you, so it’s in your interests to forge a new path. Remember, you don’t have to be friends – that’s often asking too much – but always being angry takes a great deal of energy and effort. Easier for your own mental health, and that of your children, to build new boundaries within which you are civilised partners working respectfully with each other in a way that benefits everyone.

9. Keep in mind that there is, truly, life after divorce

No matter how dark things seem or how hard the road ahead looks, it really does get better. There’s a good life ahead for you. Believe in it.

If you are thinking about getting a divorce, you should obtain advice from a specialist family lawyer. Get in touch today. We are here to help you.

Why you should consider a prenuptial agreement

prenuptial agreement

Why you should consider a prenuptial agreement

In the second in our series of blogs focusing on relationships, partner Fiona Wood looks at prenuptial agreements, and explains why they are no longer something solely for the very wealthy.

Since the Supreme Court decision in Radmacher v Granatino in 2010, which gave prenuptial agreements a legal standing in England and Wales, and as a result of the general public’s increased awareness of the potential benefits of these agreements, they are no longer something that only the rich obtain before they marry. 

Although the divorce rate in England and Wales is reducing, approximately 40% of marriages still end in divorce. In light of this, increasing numbers of people would like to put something in place which would allow them to avoid messy and expensive divorce proceedings if their marriage does end, and also to provide them with financial certainty should this happen.

Many of those considering having a prenuptial agreement have been divorced before and are bringing two families together. They are often keen to preserve their assets, if, sadly, their marriage does not work, for their children, as well as wanting financial certainty.

If there is a prenuptial agreement in place and a couple divorces, the terms of the agreement are a factor which a judge will consider when deciding what is a fair divorce settlement. Whilst the terms of the prenuptial agreement are not automatically followed by a judge, if they meet both spouses’ needs and the agreement has been entered into properly, a judge is likely to order a financial settlement in the same terms as the prenuptial agreement.

For a prenuptial agreement to be entered into properly the following must happen:

  • the couple each need to obtain independent legal advice on the agreement
  • hey both need to provide details of their assets, liabilities and income, and
  • the agreement should be negotiated and signed at least three months prior to the wedding.

This allows the couple to both obtain advice, have plenty of time to consider this advice and therefore make an informed decision about whether they want to sign the agreement.

If you are getting married and think that having a prenuptial agreement may be of benefit to you, you should obtain advice from a specialist family lawyer. Get in touch today. We are here to help you.

Is my spouse entitled to share my bonuses if we divorce?

divorce and money

Is my spouse entitled to share my bonuses if we divorce?

Many companies offer a bonus scheme to their employees; the financial sums received under these schemes by employees range enormously. For some, the bonuses they can receive are significant, and in some circumstances they can double their salary for the year. How will these bonuses be treated if a couple divorce? Partner Fiona Wood offers her advice.

Matrimonial assets

Bonuses that are acquired whilst the couple are together are usually considered matrimonial assets. This is the case if the bonus is received after separation but is for a financial period whilst the couple were together. In this scenario the bonus received will be put into the “matrimonial pot”, along with all the other matrimonial assets that are to be divided between the couple, either by agreement between them or if there is no agreement, as ordered by a judge.

If one spouse receives a bonus that relates to a period of work undertaken after the couple separated, this money will not automatically be ring-fenced and remain with the spouse who earned it. The parties’ financial needs have to be considered first when looking at what is a fair settlement. Unless there are significant matrimonial assets, a judge will not be able to ignore the bonus when looking at how the matrimonial assets should be divided, when considering the issue of need. Need is usually having money to enable you to buy somewhere suitable to live and money to meet your living expenses.

Bonuses earned in the future

What about bonuses earned in the future? Once the appropriate division of assets and pensions has been undertaken, you have to also consider whether it is appropriate for one spouse to pay spousal maintenance to the other spouse going forward. If spousal maintenance is not needed, as both spouses earn enough to meet their income needs, a clean break order will be made, preventing either spouse from making any financial claims against the other in the future. All bonuses received after the clean break will remain with the spouse who has earned them.

Whilst the law says that there should be a financial clean break between a couple if this is possible, in many cases one spouse cannot manage financially without spousal maintenance from the other going forward. In this scenario the amount paid as maintenance will depend upon the income that both spouses receive, taking into account their earing capacities, any other sources of income that they both have, and their reasonable income needs. If one spouse regularly receives large bonuses, a judge will not ignore these and can, if considered appropriate to meet reasonable need, order that a percentage of any net bonus received be paid to the other spouse, in addition to monthly payments, as part of the spousal maintenance payments.

It is worth noting that the Court of Appeal in the case of Waggott v Waggott [2018] stated that an earning capacity is not an asset that is capable of being shared on divorce. Therefore, one spouse is not entitled to half of the other’s income, even when an equal division of the assets and pensions are considered appropriate on divorce. Spousal maintenance should be calculated on a needs basis rather than on a sharing basis.

Child maintenance

With regard to child maintenance, this is governed by the Child Maintenance Service, whose calculation will take into account the payer’s previous year’s income when calculating the appropriate amount of child maintenance that should be paid. Bonus payments received will therefore be taken into account when calculating child maintenance. This can cause problems for some people who receive large bonuses some years but not in others. In this scenario they will have to be reassessed each year that their income changes, if they have not managed to agree the amount of child maintenance payable directly with their former spouse.

If you are concerned about the financial settlement that your will receive if you divorce,  please get in touch today. We are here to help you.

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